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will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
09 September 2018 @ 09:28 pm
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A reader. A writer. One who babbles a bit much.
Only a very, very select few (and very personal) entries are locked.
You really aren't missing much.
I just wanted to say welcome! I love making new friends.
Comment me, add and then comment, whatever your style.
I won't shun you, and I'll likely add you back.
You get bonus points if, when you add,
you tell me your favourite book and how you found my journal.
Cause that would rock something hardcore.

♥ ♥ ♥  

 

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
17 June 2009 @ 09:18 pm

Goodbye

Je suis tres pathetique.

Right now, I encompass every emotion one could possibly think of. Most of them aren't pleasant. I'm nervous and stressed and lonely and guilty and angry and sad and tired and melancholy and annoyed and apathetic and confused and cranky and... everything.

I have nothing. And I have nothing worthwhile to say. Ever.
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
17 May 2009 @ 09:18 pm

For everything that matters breaks in two


SUMMER HAS BEGUN.


I had my last class/final last Wednesday- and it was my last theatre class, too. I will never, ever have to go to theatre class again: never ever again have to go and sit there a row away from him for three hours, looking at him, trying to desperately tear my eyes away and pretend that I don't care that he's completely and utterly ignoring me. And not even ignoring me because he wants to ignore me or feels like he should ignore me, but because he honestly couldn't care less about me, and has so much forgotten about me that it just doesn't even occur to him to acknowledge my existence.


Ahem. My point being, through all that emo, that it never has to happen again! I doubt we'll end up in any of the same classes in the fall. That would be TOO awful.


In a measure to bring summer in correctly, Serena and I had a picnic, upon which Kristin joined us, and then the three of us had a little campfire back at our house.


Serena had been acting odd all day, although I didn't think twice about it. I knew that she and Dan had hung out the day before, and I was a little miffed. I don't understand it! I don't care who else he hangs out with or talks to, but as soon as it's HER, I just get.... Meh. Plus, I knew that he was beginning to like her, and I knew just as much that she did not like him at ALL. I know how she is, in flirting and needing attention and just being HER, so I wanted her to stay away from him for his sake. I was concerned.


Because of this, I did not press when she got very very quiet as the night progressed. Because Kristin had been a last-minute impromptu addition to our party, I thought that maybe Serena was mad that Kristin had been added, too, so I didn't worry. However... If only this was the case.


Late late late at night, once the fire had burnt down to mostly embers, Serena tearfully confessed that a Something had occurred between her and Dan the night before. Something.... major. I started to feel ill as she told us. I can't even describe the feeling that swept over me- I've felt anger, I've felt jealously, I've felt disgust, and yet what I felt then was all of those and none of those at the same time. Once that haze cleared away, I confusedly thought that this could be a good thing for Dan until I realized that, obviously, Serena wasn't sobbing because she liked him back- she was crying because she doesn't like him, at all, barely even knows him as a friend, doesn't know why it happened, she was just lonely. And it's such a HER thing to do, which is why I was worried something like this would happen!!! Augh.


I was fairly mad at Dan, and I ignored his texts until the next day, when he pleaded for me to please talk to him, because he needed me. Brrgmrkgings. Stupid boys and their stupid sincere moments. So, he and I hung out. And I learned that he hadn't initiated anything- that she had LITERALLY jumped him out of nowhere. Bleh. Idk how much more I can go into it. It's a little complicated. My friends are all stupid.


And even though I hatehatehate the sound of hurt in Dan's voice as he asked me quietly why no one loves him, and the look on his face as he shrugged and told me that he knew (in retrospect, anyway) she hadn't done it because she actually cared about him, but just because she had a whim and he was available; I thik he'll get over it. God, I hope he does. I don't want him to hurt at all anymore.


But he and I are okay. We're the way we were. Serena, who's the only one who knew about Dan and I's.... liasons, thought that I was going to be upset and hurt. I mean, I am, but not for MY sake. I don't have anything to do with their.... them..... in and of myself. I was just hurt that she would be so careless as to do that to him. Ack. Because she DOES things like this. Dan and I have talked about it since then, too.


I can't think about it. I don't know how I feel. But I'm kind of taking it one day at a time. But on Wednesday, when he and I spent time together, I just kind of moved beyond it. We talked, be talked more, we spent some time just being close, and now we're okay. Okay.


At first, after this happened, I was nervous for summer. Kristin remarked right in front of Rena without thinking that “Well, summer should start with a bang!!” and then slowly realized why I looked horrified, lololol. However, think about it! Kristin and I are stronger than ever- we know what we can and cannot handle- and really, last summer, all that shit happened to me!!! To us. And not only could I handle it, and I'm functioning now if not entirely “happy” or happy as I have been in the past, I moved on! I know now that I can make mistakes, I can live through them, and I can learn from them. Plus, it is totally someone else's turn to have drama!!! This time, it's my turn to sit on the sides and observe a bit!!!

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
03 May 2009 @ 08:19 pm

 even when you're breaking my heart

Cough.


 

It's been hectic lately. Things aren't really getting easier. School is stressful, boys are stressful, work is stressful, trying to keep my social life at a balance is stressful. I'm never seeing everybody enough, though my people are finally home for the summer, huzzah. The only reason I have time to do this now is because I got attacked with a hellish sickness that completely wiped me out for the entire weekend. I mean, I even called off work! Two days in a row! I NEVER call off work. Sigh.


 

I am so ready for summer to be here. I cannot even describe. Last week, we had some of our first late night chilling, with me, Kristin, Serena, and Dan at Serena's house. It felt like summer. It should have been summer. I'm curious to see what this summer will bring. Last summer was so interesting... I wonder if this summer will be as well?


 

I'm worried. Drama is aligning, and I don't know where it's going to go- if it's going to diffuse itself or just burst in our faces. I think I can stay out of it... mostly.... this time, but I won't know til it's too late.


 

Vince is still constantly on my mind. I miss him. (As pathetic as that is to admit, it's true.) It really makes me mad at myself, too. I'm giving myself until we've been apart for 4 months, which is as long as we were together, before I undertake some drastic measures. (I don't know what those measures are, but they'll be something!) One more month. I can do this. Today it was worse than it's been in a little while, and I don't know why. Probably because I was lying sick and miserable in bed, with nothing to do but think- and the last time I was in bed in the daytime, feeling bad and ill and just staring at the ceiling, thinking too much, would have been right after he dumped me. So, it was bringing everything back. However, I only have 2 more theatre classes left, and then who knows- I might never see him again. And as good as I think that that might be for me and for getting over him, I don't want to never see him again, aaaaah. And I don't want to think that way! But I miss him. The thought of never being with him again is bad enough- never talking with him- never getting to touch him again- and the thought of never even getting to see his face once a week is nearly unbearable. Rawr.


 

Serena and Dan worry me. True to his form, Dan is slowly falling. And it makes me so mad- the jealousy is a separate issue- because I know it's going to end badly. She would never, ever go for him- he's too short and not nearly exotic enough to capture her interest in the short term, let alone in a fashion longstanding enough to make him rise above the pack among the rest of her little admirers. He is GOING to get hurt by her. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if fixing it is possible!


 

And okay, I admit it, I'm a little jealous. Ever since Dan originally fell for me, even when/if he was after another girl, I never knew about it. He was still my friend. He was mine. Which, I will also admit, is really really selfish of me, considering that I turned him down. Um, a couple times. But that's the way I liked it! I like having him around! And more than that, I liked being the one that he was after, the one that he wanted. I wish he still wanted me.


 

Then, of course, I have to ask myself- do I want Dan to want me, which leads to further questions about why I want him to want me specifically or whatever; or, do I just want someone to want me. I know that the latter is true. I miss being wanted. I miss being someone's someone. Hell, I miss that little box on facebook that says that so-and-so (read: Vince) is in a relationship with me. I liked not being single. I don't work well single. Argrgle.


 

I can do this. I just need a few more weeks. Then it's summer. Then I'll deal with it one thing at a time.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
13 April 2009 @ 12:42 pm
Portrait of a Lady
by T.S. Eliot

Thou hast committed--
  Fornication: but that was in another country
  And besides, the wench is dead.
  The Jew of Malta.


I

Among the smoke and fog of a December afternoon
You have the scene arrange itself--as it will seem to do--
With "I have saved this afternoon for you";
And four wax candles in the darkened room,
Four rings of light upon the ceiling overhead,
An atmosphere of Juliet's tomb
Prepared for all the things to be said, or left unsaid.
We have been, let us say, to hear the latest Pole
Transmit the Preludes, through his hair and finger-tips.
"So intimate, this Chopin, that I think his soul
Should be resurrected only among friends
Some two or three, who will not touch the bloom
That is rubbed and questioned in the concert room."
--And so the conversation slips
Among velleities and carefully caught regrets
Through attenuated tones of violins
Mingled with remote cornets
And begins.

"You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends,
And how, how rare and strange it is, to find
In a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends,
(For indeed I do not love it ... you knew? you are not blind!
How keen you are!)
To find a friend who has these qualities,
Who has, and gives
Those qualities upon which friendship lives.
How much it means that I say this to you--
Without these friendships--life, what cauchemar!"
Among the windings of the violins
And the ariettes
Of cracked cornets
Inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins
Absurdly hammering a prelude of its own,
Capricious monotone
That is at least one definite "false note."
--Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance,
Admire the monuments
Discuss the late events,
Correct our watches by the public clocks.
Then sit for half an hour and drink our bocks.

II

Now that lilacs are in bloom
She has a bowl of lilacs in her room
And twists one in her fingers while she talks.
"Ah, my friend, you do not know, you do not know
What life is, you should hold it in your hands";
(Slowly twisting the lilac stalks)
"You let it flow from you, you let it flow,
And youth is cruel, and has no remorse
And smiles at situations which it cannot see."
I smile, of course,
And go on drinking tea.
"Yet with these April sunsets, that somehow recall
My buried life, and Paris in the Spring,
I feel immeasurably at peace, and find the world
To be wonderful and youthful, after all."

The voice returns like the insistent out-of-tune
Of a broken violin on an August afternoon:
"I am always sure that you understand
My feelings, always sure that you feel,
Sure that across the gulf you reach your hand.

You are invulnerable, you have no Achilles' heel.
You will go on, and when you have prevailed
You can say: at this point many a one has failed.

But what have I, but what have I, my friend,
To give you, what can you receive from me?
Only the friendship and the sympathy
Of one about to reach her journey's end.

I shall sit here, serving tea to friends...."

I take my hat: how can I make a cowardly amends
For what she has said to me?
You will see me any morning in the park
Reading the comics and the sporting page.
Particularly I remark An English countess goes upon the stage.
A Greek was murdered at a Polish dance,
Another bank defaulter has confessed.
I keep my countenance, I remain self-possessed
Except when a street piano, mechanical and tired
Reiterates some worn-out common song
With the smell of hyacinths across the garden
Recalling things that other people have desired.
Are these ideas right or wrong?

III

The October night comes down; returning as before
Except for a slight sensation of being ill at ease
I mount the stairs and turn the handle of the door
And feel as if I had mounted on my hands and knees.

"And so you are going abroad; and when do you return?
But that's a useless question.
You hardly know when you are coming back,
You will find so much to learn."
My smile falls heavily among the bric-à-brac.

"Perhaps you can write to me."
My self-possession flares up for a second;
This is as I had reckoned.

"I have been wondering frequently of late
(But our beginnings never know our ends!)
Why we have not developed into friends."
I feel like one who smiles, and turning shall remark
Suddenly, his expression in a glass.
My self-possession gutters; we are really in the dark.

"For everybody said so, all our friends,
They all were sure our feelings would relate
So closely! I myself can hardly understand.
We must leave it now to fate.
You will write, at any rate.
Perhaps it is not too late.
I shall sit here, serving tea to friends."

And I must borrow every changing shape
To find expression ... dance, dance
Like a dancing bear,
Cry like a parrot, chatter like an ape.
Let us take the air, in a tobacco trance--
Well! and what if she should die some afternoon,
Afternoon grey and smoky, evening yellow and rose;
Should die and leave me sitting pen in hand
With the smoke coming down above the housetops;
Doubtful, for quite a while
Not knowing what to feel or if I understand
Or whether wise or foolish, tardy or too soon ...
Would she not have the advantage, after all?
This music is successful with a "dying fall"
Now that we talk of dying--
And should I have the right to smile?
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?

 see, he tastes like you, only sweeter


 

T to the M to the I )
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
18 March 2009 @ 12:47 pm
 

and taking control



 

musings )
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
15 March 2009 @ 10:53 pm
every stoplight and stop-sign in this town

Last night, I went to the spring musical at my clique's (for lack of a better description for my "main" group of friends), as well as Vince's, former high school. I was nervous, a little- I didn't know for sure which night Vince would be going, and I was sure that going with my best friend would necessitate a night mingling with a lot of his friends, who I only ever was barely acquainted with while we were dating. At the beginning of the night, it appeared that my luck could not have been more composed of shite. Not only was he there, but he and his friend, a classmate of mine, had seats directly behind us, two rows back. Ugh.

HOWEVER.
Yes, that was a however. Cause I was really nervous. And a reeeally skanky (I promise I'm saying that objectively: there should be a limit on how much eyeliner one can use before you're old enough to drive yourself to go buy it) high schooler was hitting on Vince all night, which made me feel ill at first.

Gradually, though, I had a splendid night. LS did "Bye Bye Birdie", and it was wonderful, from Kyle, who ROCKED the role of her dad, to Nate's swoooonworthy leather pants, to the general awesome of the performance. I had a lot of fun. I could tell that Kristin was upset to not be in it- it's hard to go from part of something that great to looking in from the outside. It wasn't that bad, though, because after picking up Ryan, she and Steve and I all went out for coffee. It was nice... Ryan got on my nerves a touch less than usual, which made things better. Afterwards, we did what all the cool trashy white kids do and ran around Wal-Mart in the wee hours of the morning. And I mean "ran around" literally- Kristin and I successfully ditched the boys, and hid from them for a good 45 minutes. Twas fun. It's been quite some time til Ryan and I have been "okay", and even though we'll never, I'm sure, be back to how we once were, we can at least be comfortable. Which is great.

I drove home alone afterwards.
It wasn't a very nice night. Not quite raining, but foggy. Cold. There was mist almost everywhere.

Til we left, it was very late, of course. And I don't know if it was the lingering effects of half-decent diner coffee, a shaky emotional state from looking at the boy I love and being reminded that he would never love me, too, or exhaustion after simply trying to enjoy such a full night. I can't explain it.
But I just didn't. Want. To. Go. Home.

At one light, I decided to go the slightly longer, straighter way 'round. At 2am on a Saturday night in the sticks, there isn't traffic. On that particular way home, there are four or five points where I could turn to go home, still without going too far out of my way. I felt weird doing it- I felt bad ass doing it- but I just kept going. Straight, down the silent highway, lined with trees and mist and hills. Eventually, I got to the point where I could either take the right fork in the highway and go across the river, or the left fork and soon enough hit Maryland. Considering this, at this point, I realized that should the worst happen, and should I need to call for my mommy, having her need to cross state lines to come get me from a completely different state legal system would be a really, really bad occurrence. So, right it was, over gently rolling hills, to the bridge crossing the river into the next county.


It was just what I needed. I felt so free- though that word can't even fully encompass the entire scope of feelings I had. I remember one particular crystallizing second- there's this ridiculous song called “Mood Rings”, by Relient K, a jocular tune about how emotional girls are. One line goes something like,

She said to me she was so stressed out, it's soothing.

I was at the point- sleep deprived, lonely, cold- where I was so sad, that I was happy. I was just myself, alone. No one wanted any answers from me, explanations. No one, not even myself, wanted me to try and explain my stupid, complicated feelings; my stupid, complicated thought processes. I've had an impossible time even freeing myself from my own thoughts lately. And it hurts.


Being over the water was the best. I slowed to a crawl, maybe 5 miles an hour. Who cares, no one else was out? Lights from the power grids lit up the mist, but very gently, so everything had this golden glow that faded into the regular, normal glow of a night sky.

Eventually, I did turn around, but only once I hit another fork in the road. I admit, for all my bravado and adventuring spirit, it was worried that if I started taking unfamiliar turns, in the dark, in the fog, in places I had never been, I'd never find my way back. I haven't slept so well in a month and a half.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
13 March 2009 @ 09:46 pm

Do you believe in true love? What about love at first sight?


View other answers





I believe in true love.

This question rather struck me off guard- I've never actually had to sit down and come up with a definitive "yes or no" answer. Come to think of it, I hate black and white answers to begin with.

Love definitely exists. True love definitely exists. Something that's been so revered throughout the millenia in every art form imaginable has to have some seed in actual reality. I'm sure everyone knows, at the very least, that one stupidly obnoxious couple that are completely and utterly taken with one another. My parents are proof- married when my dad was nineteen, and four kids, twenty years, and too little money later, they're still in love- in that quiet way that comes with time and practice.

I'm always wary of calling something "love". In some ways, maybe you can't truly know whether or not you had was love until it's over, until you're outside the situation and can look in. When I was with Vince, I thought we were in love. And now that I know that he doesn't- maybe never- loved me, I still believe that I'm in love with him. Granted, maybe it's just because he was my "first love". Perhaps one day, after I've fallen for the next boy or the next, I'll be able to look back on it more honestly and say, "no, that wasn't love, I just didn't know any better". Oh, I'll be able to say, "yes, he was my first love" with a bit more perspective. I won't know that for a while.

On the other hand, maybe the real measure of true love is that it doesn't end. The relationships, the people, that stick through the good times and the bad. Maybe, if what I feel for him really is love, I'll never be able to look back on him "unbiased", because at least a small part of my will always love him.

Thinking about it, one could have many "true loves" in their lifetime. I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Five years from now, I'll probably be very different. Wouldn't it be fair to say that as you change, you love would have to change with you? And if the person you're with can't accomodate that change, then a new love might be necessary.

There's a song by Relient K: Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?
I know I'll always love you, but right now I just don't like you.

Love and like really have very little to with each other. Like may precipitate love. But it depends on the kind of love. I love my brother. I very rarely like him. On a less platonic level, I'm still in love with Vince. And even though I used to like him very much, and I still do on many levels, I also kind of think he's an asshole. One doesn't affect the other.

However, I digress. Love at first sight is more difficult- I don't think it exists. I believe that it's possible to have sudden feelings for someone- to just have one glance and know that what you feel for them is going to be something magnificent, something different, or even to just feel that initial infatuation. That makes sense. Even having a premonition of love makes sense. But love? True love? I don't think that can happen til you know that person. (Even if they don't know you as well, or aren't falling for you back.) Love has to do with knowing a person- inside and out. There can be exceptions- and a lot of that isn't so much knowing as wanting to know; in learning just a little bit about your lover and yearning to learn more, not because they're (objectively) sooo interesting, but because you just love them so much that you need to know about them.

That alone isn't the only quality of love, though. Or at least not a healthy love. Otherwise, every single stalker or obsessed fan would be "in love", and that's not the case. Love is so much more: and yet it's so different for every person. I don't think it can be defined in something black or white. Then again, it is kind of like that. I'm not a science person- which one is the inclusion of all colour? I believe it's white. I think that love is like that.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
23 February 2009 @ 07:46 pm
Live without me

My sense of perception- my senses in general- have been so skewed lately. And I'm not even sure what's caused it. But things are weird.

Time flexes oddly. This past week, school, has gone by so quickly I feel like I just blinked a little too hastily. The last time Vince kissed me feels like it could have been a few hours ago, still lingering on my lips. The beginning of the school year seems just days ago. Could October, wonderful November, be months ago? Is the day almost over already? Are midterms coming so soon?

And I don't know why, but the big picture is killing me.

Maybe time slips by so fast because I can't focus properly. And when I do focus, it's on weird little things. Snippets. Yeah, mostly memories, but I am trying to stop that, so it's whatever is now.

I find myself staring at a weird shadow that the soft cafe lights cast on Abi's skin. The smooth texture of the wood table. The way that the slice of lemon bobs in a glass of soda. The skyline of everyone's faces as we all sit in a row at a restaurant. How cold I am lately. How I'm so rarely hungry lately. We never used to cook at Rena's, and now she's taken to reminding me to eat. I'm either talking too much, usually about myself, or I let conversations lull. There are silences that creep in, taking over, and I can't muster enough energy to come up with a topic, any topic, and move everything forward, or enough energy to move my fingers over my phone and send a text.

Not like I don't want to text- Dan has been saving my soul alive. But just taking a minute or whatever to send one little sentence just takes so much work.

I miss him. I miss the way things were. Occasionally I'll just flashback, unexpectedly reminded  by something completely innocuous and brought back like someone with such a peverse, twisted form of PTSD and I'm ripped from such a sad state to a moment of happiness. And it is almost okay until I remember that it's not real. And then that's it. I am getting beyond that general state of grief, I guess, but I'm still funky. Ack.
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
17 February 2009 @ 07:50 pm

But right now I just don't like you.

♥ I can honestly say that this was the best Valentine's day I've ever had. Serena and I went to the poetry reading together, and it was really quiet. However, we got to chill with Abi and Julia, and I read Alfred Noyes' "The Highwayman", which I LOVE. Then we, and Rena's friend Sarah, went out to eat, and then we + Kristin spent the night at Serena's. It was really nice. Kristin kind of talked a lot, as is her wont, but I was kind of wanting her to ask more about me, and she didn't. Aw, well. It was still good.

♥ Especially good was our run to get some snack foods in the middle of the night. And um, if some of those food items ended up on some completely and totally random Jeep, then I'm sure WE had nothing to do with it at all..... :D

♥ Also, lately I've been talking to Dan lots and lots. Which is nice. I missed him, and weirdly enough, he helps fill the void. I mean, it's nice to just have someone THERE- someone to text to say goodnight, someone who'll randomly buzz me to comment on whatever tv show he's watching and wants to tell me about. He's a sweetie.

♥ I will admit. I miss him. A lot. And I'm kind of in denial about the fact that he will never, ever want me back. And there.

♥ Actually, I did find out some things over the weekend. Kristin told me, from Ryan, from Vince's ex and Ryan's friend Krista, that the girl that he dumped me for has been literally trying to steal him away since Vince and I started dating, and has been bragging about it all over their school that she's the reason that he and I broke up. And I never even met the little plint! However, silver lining? I messaged Krista, to thank her for sending that info through the grapevine, and she sent me back this eeeeepic long message about how sorry she was, how mad she was at this girl, how stupid and slutty and generally awful of a person this girl was, how mad she was that I got hurt, etc. And Krista is seriously one of the SWEETEST people I know, so for her to say that.... Well, it really hurt to hear that this girl was maliciously trying to- and WON at- sabotauging me, but it was a good message to get.

♥ Yesterday afternoon, I went over to Serena's, and stayed to the wee hours. We baked (or rather, underbaked) brownies, and drank sooooooo much tea, and then I helped her decorate her room! (I swear, that girl cannot hang a picture straight to save her life.) Once I get some good quotes picked out, I'm going to paint them on her walls, too. It made my day so much better. And as much as I feel bad for dumping so much shit on her, she IS the only person I talk to Vince about. And it's nice to say how I'm really thinking or feeling.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
12 February 2009 @ 07:36 pm

Cause after all of the sparks, you're left alone in the dark
After all of the sparks, you're still alone in the dark


I get the feeling that I turn here to vent a lot. If I need to rave about how good my day is, put into order weeks of ennui, rant about whatever is most recently going wrong in my life. I feel bad for that. I like to keep control of how I come across to people. And people who see me every day/every couple days or so realize that I'm cheerful sometimes, emo others. They get a balance. Sometimes, if I don't realize it, I can't control that.

Lately, it's been hard. I have to resist online stalking, putting up depressed/depressive facebook status, the works. And it hurts. I had my 3-hour theatre class with Vince last week, and it was hard. He ignored me... even when we walked out to my car together so I could give him clothing back. I had to pull over on the way home because I was crying too hard. I watched him drive by. I didn't mention, but my one friend at school had an amazing reaction tuesday. And today, because I don't myspace, he helped me look Vince up. It was awful, but I'd rather feel awful because I know, than because I wonder. He already has another girl... She was the "friend" he was hanging out with last week when we were still together, and even though last week he told me he was going to have to work on Valentine's Day, sorry, she and him have plans to go out. For all I know, he's with her now. That just hurts so bad.

I'm... trying to find ways to cope. I sing obnoxious kiss-off songs. I alternate between distracting myself so I can't think about it, and obsessively thinking about them together. I don't even know her, other than seeing her pic on myspace. Now, I can only wish that he hurts as bad as I do. And I know that's bitter, but I don't care. He deserves it. And I can't even put that into words. I would fill volumes. And right now I'm watching an episode of NCIS where Abby just got dumped, and even SHE'S depressed. Abby! If SHE is, I have a right to be. A little. Don't I?

So. In an effort to pull my self the bloody fuck out of this, I want to make a list. A Valentine's list. Of things I love. I have a feeling that I did this recently, but these are things that make my days livable.

-When I wake up before my alarm, and I get to go back to sleep for a little while.
-Hot showers with the familiar, comforting scent of my shampoo.
-My iPod's shuffle, because it knows my mood. (Shush. I'm convinced of it.)
-Compliments from strangers. A random guy in my theatre class told me that I had "gorgeous" hair, and it was"lovely".
-Getting to do homework related to Sweeney Todd.
-Talking with guys with cute smiles.
-Getting text from Dan and talking with him for the first time in months.
-Hearing from Staci or Andy in general, and when they invite me to stuff. (Even if I won't go cause I hate Ian's face.)
-David Tennant.
-How all my friends send me "empowering" post-breakup bumper stickers on facebook.
-Writing angsty, bitter poetry.
-Having a hotter date for Valentine's than my ex does.
-Finding amazing parking spaces at school.
-Drinking apple juice at school.
-Sleeping under a quilt that holds good memories from my relationship.
-THE NEW EPISODE OF THE OFFICE THAT BE ON TONIGHT.
-When my hair curls on its own.

It's weird. As I write this, my brian keeps reverting to try and make a list of "things I miss". And there are a lot of those. But I don't want to be thinking about those. Aaaaah.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
09 February 2009 @ 09:13 pm

So, so what?

I thought I had a Jim, and he turned out to be a Ryan.
Ouch.


 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
lines and phrases like knives your words they cut me through

I am now the proud owner of a new piano. We got it free, from my cousin, who didn't want hers anymore. My mother said we'd take it on the condition that I take it with me when I finally move out. I told her that that wasn't a condition, it was a bonus.

I have rediscovered "A Softer World" today. It made me cry.

On Wednesday night, I started my theatre class with Vincent. It was a lot of fun- the best part of that day, and probably that week. I get to give a soliloquy later in the semester!! I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am excited.

On friday night, Serena called me up to see if I wanted to go to the first friday things with her, Staci, Andy, and another friend. (One of her latest crushes, who was quiet, but super nice.) I was so glad she called. I was at the point where if I spent my friday night alone at home I was going to scream and start pulverizing lesser beings into a very finely ground form of chalk matter. It wasn't really Staci and Andy's thing, but I had fun- being out and about, walking through the city and pretending like I have a social life.

Yesterday was night. I bough a pair of jeans for eight dollars, a size smaller than I got last time. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the fact that eating has been difficult lately. And so has sleeping. They're cute, though, so that's nice.

Saturday night, I had a hot date. I picked up Serena after chilling with Kristin for a bit, and we went to this adorable little cafe for a poetry reading/open mic!! A friend of mine from school was there too, and it was actually pretty amazing. The girl running it was adorable (new girl crush yes?) and I totally stole one of the flyers they had hanging up advertising it. Serena read a few of her poems, and we had a great time. Afterwards, she and I hung out with a few people until they turned the lights out on us. Then, I got to hang out with her. We talked about a few important things. And it certainly didn't make those things better, but at least I was, I don't know, temporarily less stressed.

Can you believe it? I actually stood up to read. I read one poem by T.S. Eliot, but first, I leaned over to Serena and said, "If you go again, I'll read one of mine." I didn't think that she would immediately jump up next!!! It wasn't too scary- it was a very small room, and I felt comfortable. However, I was reading a poem that I like of mine, but the subject matter of which hurt more than I though I did before I was reading it into a mic.

A few lines into the poem, I could feel my voice breaking, so I skipped to the last two lines and ended it. I told Serena it was because I was too nervous.

I have a hot date on Valentine's Day too, though. Apparently, they've decided to make the poetry reading a weekly thing every saturday evening, so Serena and I are going to go shopping, and then be cool "single" girls (affected in my case, at least for the time being) and chill there. I'm really looking forward to it- then back to her house for tea and girl talk. Vince says he has to work all weekend, so when Abi announced that the poetry would be continuing, Rena asked me to come with her. I had been dreading the idea of staying home- alone- again- and I was/am/will be so grateful. I'll have to dress up all 'dorably.

Somewhere in the bottom of my stomach there is a little not-so-little knot that sometimes manifests itself as the most airsick of butterflies and at other times and at other times behaves like a little collection of knives that are poking and prodding my insides non-too-gently.
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
05 February 2009 @ 09:20 pm

(He was never mine to hold)

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, and rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
                    -Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Since this isn't totally cliche and non of you have heard this before... love hurts.

Every once in a while, I manage to have an epiphiphanous moment. A moment where something clicks, and I go, "oh, I get this." About me, about people I know, about the world in general... it depends. Most of the time, it's a great moment. Because even if the revalation in and of itself isn't something wonderful, just having that cathartic moment of clarity feels so refreshing. I mean, most of the time I stumble through my life, without any particular aim.

Not to say that I don't have plans, goals, etc. But once I get to the situation in which I would actually want/need to use or consider such things, that's all completely defenestrated.

Other times, it's not so great. It's the worst when things are bad to begin with, and then I have that moment, and it's so refresing because I can finally go, "oh, I see", and yet that particular revelation doesn't make things any better. It just sort of crystalizes the situation- filters it and breaks it and puts it back together, in a sharper and more pointed fashion.

Is pain better when you can explain it? I think that's it helps, it's better, it's healthier, but it doesn't lessen the pain. It focuses it- instead of a blanket of fog that just kind of smooths over everything, it's the little black rain cloud that hovers over one spot, drizzling and thunderstorming by turns.

I don't know why I'm writing this. And I don't know where I'm going. This just kind of happened.

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
03 February 2009 @ 07:12 pm
 
This isn't mine- it's from today's ljsecret post, and it quotes a "def jam" poem. It's lovely.




Photobucket
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
02 February 2009 @ 09:32 pm

Sometimes I wish she was you

I'm feeling sick.

I think that I might win some records for a pretty epicly awful weekend.

Ever.

And today didn't improve upon the theme, haha.

You know what the ironic thing is?

I wrote a poem on saturday night.

(Purely hypothetical, of course.)

About a girl explaining to her boyfriend why she kissed someone else.

Now?

I can't get things, me, to feel better.

Shit.

What's wrong with me?

I know that things could be so much worse.

This isn't that bad.

And yet...

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
31 January 2009 @ 07:48 pm

There's a climax coming in my way, ay ay ay...

I'll admit it- in fact, if anything, I'm a bit too ready to admit it.

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Among other things, I hatehatehate my English Comp class, my weeknights have been kind of lonesome, and oh, yeah. I lost my job yesterday.

To be honest, I was lucky to have it as long as I did in this shitty economy, but it got to the point where my company just couldn't afford to keep on part-timers anymore. My boss cried when she told me, and she's hoping to be able to bring me back soon, but I can't count on it. And it's really beginning, slowly, to stress me out. I was hoping to save up some money in the next six months, and be able to pay for my next semester at school, but that might not be able to happen. Let alone gas money, or food, or insurance, or my cell phone... Ugh.

Enough of that, though. I haven't been seeing much of, well, anybody lately- people are away at school, of course, and Vince has been rather busy- but there were a few good nights. Two thursdays ago was amazing!! I got to go to Vince's youngest brother's 8th birthday party- which was at Chuck E Cheese's, bitches. I had soooo much, fun, though I was abruptly reminded for the first time in, oh, ten years as to how much large, animatronic rodents terrify me!!!! Like, I didn't realize until we had been there for twenty minutes that I was unconciously keeping him in between me, and..... them. (Hah. I talk like they're the Others or something.) Regardless, we played games, and ate pizza, and it was great.

Oh, and what made it even better? We made it back to his house in pleeeeenty of time for The Office. I would never have thought that I would end up with a guy who doesn't watch The Office, but since he went out of his way to make sure I could see it, and then watched it with me, I can make an exception. (And I swear to God, as soon as I get my hands on the season DVDS, there WILL be marathon-ing going on!!!)

It was an idyllic day. The best in a while.

Other days... have been lonlier. I don't like staying at home in the evenings. However, I didn't stay home last night! Andy picked up Rena and I, and we spent the night with Staci at West Chester!! It was so much fun. We didn't do a whole lot, but we pushed the beds together and had us a nice, comfy slumber party. Bonus: I got to sleep tween Andy and Serena, so I was nice and warm, haha, though Staci did grope me a bit in the middle of the night. O_o

So, that's been me lately. Not very interesting.... and I guess you can expect to hear more from me now that I'm unemployed, le sigh. Ah, what a weary world.

(Damn, I am waaaaay too young to be saying shit like that.)

 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
19 January 2009 @ 02:25 pm
 

 
 

For mistakes you make and you can't own

 

 

 

Lead me out of this, life's a sinking ship, oh )
 
 
will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
La lune trop rousse de gloire eclabousse ton jupon plein d'trous

I've been thinking lately. School has started, and I've spent a lot of time alone, crocheting steadily and doing a lot of thinking. My classes are all off to a good start- I had my first day today. And other than my English Comp class, which I think will be difficult, everything should go well.

But when profs ask us to go around the room and describe our future plans, or when I would sit there and think that maybe, I could be an amazing professor someday, I started thinking about my goals. I've always had vague ideas, and a few specific thoughts, but goals? A few...

Please. )
 
 
 
 

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