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So, I had a date.

First, my dad was not okay. I told my mother about it, but he didn't know until I was getting ready to leave, when my mom told him. He yelled for me to come out to the kitchen, and looked at me in shock.

Dad: Who is this boy?!

Me: He's a boy from school, from my science class... He's the one who jumped my car for me.

Dad: So what, just because he jumped your car means you owe him a date?

Me: *indignant look* Certainly not. It did, however, make me more inclined to say yes.

Dad: What are you going to do?

Me: We're going to catch a movie.

Dad: And AFTER?!

Me: Well, we might get coffee, I don't know...

Dad: YOU DON'T KNOW? How am I supposed to know if you don't know?

Mom: Just text me and let me know!

Dad: Well, when's he getting here?

Me: I'm meeting him there.

Dad: WHAT?! If it's a date, he should be picking you up and meeting your parents! That's PROPER!

Me: Daddy, he lives in Manhiem, it would take him 45 minutes just to get down here, and then another 40 up to the theatre...

Dad: Hmph. Not the way things should be done. How's he going to see me with my shotgun?! He should see me cleaning my shotgun!

Me: Daddy...

Dad: You should take a picture! I'll get it, and you can take a picture on your cell phone, and show it to him.

Me: ...

Dad: And then you say, *deepens voice* 'My daddy's not afraid to go back to prison!'

Me: .................

Dad: Do you have your pepper spray? I did buy you pepper spray.

Me: It's in my purse.

Dad: Well, it won't do you any good in your purse!! It should be in your hand! Actually, you know what would fit in your purse? My handgun! Do you want it? It'll fit! No one'll even notice until you need it.

Me (to my mother): I'll text you after the movie, let you know what we're doing.

Mom: Okay! Have fun!

Dad (calling after me out the door): Sure you don't want me to come with you?! Okay, drive safe! I love you!

...Yep. That's my dad.

You and me could write a bad romance

Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?

This past week has been full of all sorts of fail. There were some good parts, like seeing “Standy” and seeing Avatar, and I think I'm going to enjoy my film class. However, dealing with all this fucking drama Dan (and now Ashley) have been tossing at me is driving me nuts. I don't really want to talk about it. At this point, I'm done with him completely. He's going to put my stuff in my car one day when I'm at school, and then I won't have to deal with him ever again.

It's been kind of weird, actually. Today, I made myself tomato soup for dinner, which is what I practically lived off of last winter after I got dumped, because Serena would make me eat. Which reminded me of that time. Anyone who's reading this probably knows me well enough to know that A) last winter and spring, post-breakup, were a really really tough time for me, and that B) that previous fact was the understatement of the century. In a way, though, it actually prepared me a lot of situations such as this current one. That was my first real breakup, and it taught me a lot about what to do, what not to do. Granted, this situation is not NEARLY as severe, thank god. For one thing, Dan and I were not dating, and for another thing, I'm more angry than I am depressed, and another, this isn't affecting my life nearly as much, and also I'm much more pessimistic than I used to be, so I kind of expected it. Still, there are things that I know now, and appreciate.

Distraction is key. A small part of the reason I took it so hard last time is because my life was so void without that relationship. I had just lost my job, most of my friends were busy with boyfriends, I didn't even have money to spend and go anywhere, and car troubles made me more stressed. (Also, it was fucking FEBRUARY, which considering the weather and the holiday is always fucking terrible.) This weekend, I'm about to work my third third-shift night in a row at work, which is disheartening, but distracting. On Friday, I went to the gym for the first time ever. I freaking LOVED it. I worked out for an hour, and I've never felt so good. I made myself a bitching workout playlist, found some inner peace, and I didn't think about any of the drama the entire time. It was SUCH a great feeling.

Then, the day after I told Dan to give me my stuff back, I cleaned up my room. I didn't collect as much sentimental shit and reminders of him as I did when I was dating Vince, but I had a poster he gave me, some pictures, etc. I put all of that away. With Vince, I didn't manage to do that until a month or two after the breakup (and I still have some of it around, like my Sweeney Todd ticket and our movie stubs from our first dates, but I collect all my movie stubs, and Sweeney was awesome regardless or whom I went with.), and I couldn't bear to throw any of it out, so it's all sitting in a box under my bed, but I felt so much better when I wasn't seeing it constantly, while I still had the comfort of having it near me. And some of it I would keep even if we hadn't dated, like my corsage from prom.

The same day, I removed Dan from my speed dial, cleared out my text messages, and I went a step further and removed/untagged all photos I had of him on facebook, and untagged all the pictures of us together on facebook. I really really thought about defriending him, but couldn't do it and realized that I would still look at his page anyways.

Finally, the last thing completely necessary in getting over things are the simple pleasures. It's so nice to indulge in something that's simple, easy, and usually fairly free. I bought myself a new book. I drink a lot of tea when I'm upset. And my showers get longer. Especially last year, I wasn't sleeping well when I was sleeping at all, so I would simply get up a little earlier and take a long, hot shower. Because with something like that, you don't have to think, you don't have to look pretty, you don't have to do anything or be nice to anyone or worry about anything. It's purely sensual. Also, things like that don't have any negative memories. I thought about watching Star Wars on VHS the other day and found that I couldn't do it.

But whatever. I'm already doing okay. I just try not to think about it. The only time I get really bummed out is when I check my phone. Dan used to be my text buddy, and I would talk to Ashley fairly often. I've gotten maybe a half-dozen texts from a human being since Thursday night. Which is upsetting, but I'll deal with it. It'll make leaving for West Chester in the fall easier, I guess.

and I'll be your memory

I had this big long entry written out, about Dan and about me. But there's not actually that much to say. He's been acting weird for the past couple days, and yesterday morning he told me he needed some space. Why, I'm not entirely sure. And so I haven't heard from him in almost two days. And I won't hear from him for a while after this.

If ever.

I don't know what to do anymore. Dan was all I had.

for something else...

but there's nothing to see

I love Christmas. Hands-down, it's my favourite time of the year, and I'm being completely honest. The fact that I hate my job, and that it's in retail, does put a damper on things, but it's still wonderful. The food, the wrapping, the sparkles, and most of all: the traditions.

• Every year, my mom and all the women on my dad's side of the family get together and do a cookie swap. This means that, in addition to the cookies that my mom bakes just for us, we have a RIDICULOUS amount of cookies lying around. Snowballs, nutrolls, anise sugar cookies, spritz, sandtarts, and so many others. Plus, the actual cookie swap is so much fun.

• My dad is hopeless at wrapping. Now, to be fair, if he actually put his mind to it he could probably do an admirable job, but his complete and utter lack of patience means that a) we don't eat at restaurants where there is a significant wait, b) we walked out of wal-mart a lot when I was a kid cause he refused to wait in the lines, and c) if he has to wrap more than one or two presents, heaven forbid oddly shaped presents, soon enough he will peel the crumpled tape and scraps of paper off his fingers and shove things into gift bags of various holiday appropriateness. Therefore, for as long as I've been wrapping my own presents (and I'm the oldest in my family; so for a LONG time) my daddy has been stashing his presents for my mother in various spots in my room while I'm away and rewarding me with his leftover dresser change for beautifully wrapped gifts.

• Our tree. My mother takes great pride in her house: we don't have a whole lot of extra money, but she's very creative and organized, and she spends a lot of time making her house and garden look as good as possible. Thus, we have two Christmas trees. The first is a blue-and-white tree that sits in the corner of our blue-and-white dining room. (And I mean that the things ON the tree are blue and white, not that it's one of those hideous plasticy white or blue trees. Like, my aunt (my mom's little sister who, sadly, has none of her taste), has this white fake Christmas tree, and she decorates it with green Christmas lights so it LOOKS kinda greenish. Ugh. (Anyways.)) So, our second tree is the REAL tree. Every year, we get an ornament, so times that by four kids who are all in our teens... there's a lot. Plus, my parents have ornaments from when they were first married, and my dad even has some from when he still lived with his parents. It's really special and personal.

• When I was younger, money was a little tight, so for about as long as I can remember we always get three presents on Christmas from Santa, though to give my parents credit we get really banging' stockings. In fact, I remember finding out for the first time that other people got (in some cases, many many) more than three presents for Christmas, and I was appalled and confused. This was, supposedly, because Jesus got three presents from the Wise Men the first Christmas.

• The only exception to our three-presents is Christmas eve. After my siblings and I give our presents, we each get one present to open, which is always jammies. And not only are they jammies, but for the past half-dozen years or so my jammies have had scotty dogs on them. Don't ask me why. And my mother didn't even realize this was becoming a trend until about two years ago when I pointed it out to her. I love it.

• Then, Christmas day, after unwrapping our presents, my mom's mom comes over and we have the most DELICIOUS brunch. I look forward to this brunch all year long Blueberry french toast, cinnamon rolls, ham, sausage, quiche.... all homemade. You have no idea. It's so fantastic. Mmmm.

"To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,-'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished."
-Hamlet Act III Scene I

I did this last December, and it was a lot of fun to look back on the year previous: the good, the bad, the emo, the poetic. Here's a short quote from the first entry of every month of 2009.

19 January 2009

So all in all, I was in a very content place. I love them. I love him. It was wonderful.

05 February 2009

Since this isn't totally cliche and non of you have heard this before... love hurts.

13 March 2009

I believe in true love.

03 May 2009

I am so ready for summer to be here. I cannot even describe. Last week, we had some of our first late night chilling, with me, Kristin, Serena, and Dan at Serena's house. It felt like summer. It should have been summer. I'm curious to see what this summer will bring. Last summer was so interesting... I wonder if this summer will be as well?

...

I'm worried. Drama is aligning, and I don't know where it's going to go- if it's going to diffuse itself or just burst in our faces. I think I can stay out of it... mostly.... this time, but I won't know til it's too late.

17 June 2009

Je suis tres pathetique.

Right now, I encompass every emotion one could possibly think of. Most of them aren't pleasant. I'm nervous and stressed and lonely and guilty and angry and sad and tired and melancholy and annoyed and apathetic and confused and cranky and... everything.

19 July 2009

I just want something to get me through this. I've been miserable- in other words, I am the most pathetic of lowly, romantic, idealistic worms who can't let go and move on with their lives like healthy, normal human beings. I just can't help myself. I don't know what to do. All I know is what I'm feeling, and I feel that I want this. Badly. Because it's something. And I can live off those little brushes of hair, those times that he meets my eyes and smiles.

12 August 2009

Apparently, Pasko mentioned me and that we had talked the last time the three of them had a “man night”, and it was decided that I was one of the few women they knew, if not the only, who was epic enough to be invited to Man Night. I feel.... well, flattered, mostly. Dan thinks I'm foolish for even considering going, even IF it works out for me to go. Mark had mentioned how out entire group should come, but I thought I would be the last person asked to come, especially just by myself. I'm... incredulous. And I keep thinking about it. Ugh.

09 September 2009

“Then there's me, also nineteen...

Constantly, I'm asking myself, Well, Ed- what have you really achieved in your nineteen years? The answer's simple.

Jack shit.”

-I Am The Messenger, by Markus Zusak

02 October 2009

Boys reminds me, I've reached that fun time of year where I get to start going, oh, a year ago today... [insert sappy Vince-related memory here]. October 3rd and 4th, O Fateful Days, are coming up, and it just gets worse from there. A certain day towards the end of November is going to be horrible, and I can't think about February right now. However! Part of me is thinking, yes, I'm on the home stretch. Once I get through these last sets of anniversaries-that-aren't, then there's nothing left to think about.... Right...

Overall, I don't even know what to say. I don't know where I've been lately. I can't believe it's almost midterms already. I can't believe this year. Like, my brain doesn't believe it. Maybe I'll wake up soon.

12 November 2009

I'm going mad as a hatter. And I mean that literally. If I start wandering around muttering about tea and clean cups, lock me up. Actually.... shit. It may be too late.

...

And the worst part? I know that I'm pushing him/everyone else away with this moodiness. I wouldn't want to hang out with me, either. This is driving me mad. Some days I'm feeling awesome and gorgeous and excited and energetic and then all it takes is Dan neglecting to give me attention or seeing Alex's stupid face or Jordan not talking to me and them I'm a miserable creature who hates her friends and hates her family and hates her life and doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, and would actually rather run her car into a tree.

01 December 2009

I can't take the loneliness I've got going on much longer, and it's really stressing me to the point of nihilistic thoughts- while I'm not exactly suicidal, I spend way too much time thinking about/questioning why I'm still alive. Fortunately, I'm optimistic enough to hope that it gets better. But it's hard. Most of my friends are away at school. I don't have friends at work yet, if I ever will. My school friends transferred out at the end of last semester, so I spend my school days and lunches alone. The one or two friends that are still around are too busy to see me even if they do want to see me, and anyway, Dan's going to go back to Illinois for four months in January, so I won't have anyone at all.

1. FIRST NAME
Courtney/Covy/Court.

2. AGE
I'm 19! One more year and I'm free of teenager-hood forever. Most of my friends have just turned/will soon be turning 20, and that weirds me out a little. They're old. >_<

3. LOCATION
South-central PA. Truth be told, I really love the area I live in, but after 19 years of living in the same place, I am a little sick of it. Not to mention all the tourists who come out to see the Amish. Anfjkdsnfjeka.

4. OCCUPATION
I just (as in, two weeks ago) got a job at American Eagle at a local outlet mall. I loathe it with a passion. My managers are all stressed out people, I don't like being forced to (as in, if I don't I go on probation/get fired) sell people a certain number of expensive outfits/convince a certain number to sign up for credit cards, the hours are shitty, and while some of the people I work with are okay, a lot of the girls are cliquey and unfriendly. Oh, and apparently I'm the only one there who doesn't “party.” Ugh. GET ME OUT. Fortunately, I am only seasonal help, so I should be done as of January.

5. PARTNER?
I has none. This is a consistent source of grief for me. My last relationship ended a year ago, and I, um, haven't exactly been handling that well. To put it mildly. Though he and I are kind of friends now, which is both good and hugely irritating. I do have a crush on a boy at school, but he sends me epically mixed signals, so between that and lingering feelings for my ex and dealing with one of my bffs who happens to be a guy, the male gender hasn't exactly been working for me lately. I can't really blame them, though. I wouldn't really want to date me either.

6. KIDS?
Nonenonenone. If I do ever feel so inclined as to procreate, it will not be for a very long time. (Plus, I'd like to be married before having any children, and that's definitely not anywhere in my near future, alas.)

7. BROTHERS/SISTERS
I have two little brothers and a little sister sammiched in between. We're all really close in age- the youngest is only 4.5 years younger than me- and we live in pretty close quarters, so sometimes we get alone, sometimes we don't.

8. PETS
Precious. Preshy is a miniature, long-haired, chocolate-colored dachshund, and is the most adorable dog. She's about 8 years old, and between her color and her big brown eyes and her curly ears, she is a very pretty dog. Super-friendly and snuggly, too. I loves her.

9. LIST THE 3/5 BIGGEST THINGS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE
a) My Job. Like I said, I hate my job. I hate my job to the point where it's making me ill. Just the knowledge that I'm going to have to work tomorrow evening is making me feel stressed out and upset. I spent most of Thanksgiving crying because I was so terrified of working on Black Friday. I guess it's not a terrible place to work, but after working at two such laid-back places where I knew what I was doing and where my managers liked me, I can't get used to this switch. There are sooooo many rules to follow and things to remember that it's going to give me a heart attack.
b) School. I'm normally very good at school, but now that I'm working crazy hours, I feel like all I do it go to work, go to school, and do homework. I hate it.
c) Loneliness. I can't take the loneliness I've got going on much longer, and it's really stressing me to the point of nihilistic thoughts- while I'm not exactly suicidal, I spend way too much time thinking about/questioning why I'm still alive. Fortunately, I'm optimistic enough to hope that it gets better. But it's hard. Most of my friends are away at school. I don't have friends at work yet, if I ever will. My school friends transferred out at the end of last semester, so I spend my school days and lunches alone. The one or two friends that are still around are too busy to see me even if they do want to see me, and anyway, Dan's going to go back to Illinois for four months in January, so I won't have anyone at all.

10. PARENTS
My parents are pretty cool. I respect them, and as I've gotten older I've gotten some more freedom from them, so I stay content. However, I'm really tired of living at home. I want space and something to call me own, and I'm ready to be out.

11. WHO ARE SOME OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS?
Well, idk. Like I said, there aren't really people I see very often anymore. I'm not a very good friend, and I'm not very good at keeping the friends I do manage to make. Kristin and Dan are my two “best friends,” but they're both really busy- Kristin with her boyfriend, and Dan just in general with not-me. I have plenty of other people I love, but nothing mutual really comes to mind at the moment, though I'm sure there are some- Rachel, ily. But refer back to 9/c.

I'm going mad as a hatter. And I mean that literally. If I start wandering around muttering about tea and clean cups, lock me up. Actually.... shit. It may be too late.

Even when I turn my back

First things first: The Office wedding on Thursday night. I looked forward to that all day. I was so so so nervous, because obviously two (fictional) people FINALLY getting married is a HUGE deal, and what happens if it doesn’t live up to my expectations? But it did. Of course it did. I won’t include any spoilers, but I started the episode with a huge stomach-grabbing laugh, and I ended it nearly misty and mid-“aww.” It was adorable. It was funny. And it was The Office- goofy and sweet and funny and awkward and charming and full of people and ridiculous and romantic and relatable and livable.

On Wednesday, I made an absolute fool out of myself concerning the guy I like in front of said guy’s best friend, who promptly figured out my crush. Once class was over, I called Kristin in a panic to freak out, and she managed to calm me down, and I felt a lot better after talking it over. (I felt a little guilty, though. I was texting Dan about it during class and he kept making fun of me, which I mentioned, and Kristin was like, “Why didn’t you text me first? I wouldn’t have made fun of you.” I explained that I wanted to wait until I had a chance to call her because it was too much to say via text, and she replied, “Well, why didn’t you text Staci? Or another chick?” and I felt terrible because the thought of texting Staci hadn’t even crossed my mind. I’m terrible at keeping it touch. Horrible friend. I know it.) After hanging up, I texted Kristin immediately. “Hey, guess what?! I just called you to freak out over a boy that isn’t Vince! WINNAH!” She laughed, but I really was proud of myself.

Fortunately, though, I was freaking over nothing, because Jordan and I ended up talking for a long time on Tuesday during a fire drill, and even a bit after class. We made LOTR references, and The Office references, and he embarrassed himself when he commented on my being homeschooled. All in all, a lot of fun. It was…. Nice.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of Ashley, whom I adore and whom I’m so happy to actually see outside of work. She’s so pretty and chic and funny and sweet and smart that I just kind of want to be her, and she always used to intimidate me a bit, but over the summer and ever since school started we’ve been spending so much more time together, and it’s great. I feel like I can tell her anything (well, almost anything) because she extends the same courtesy to me, and I don’t have to worry about her judging me or making fun of me like I might with other people I would normally confide in. It’s refreshing. The only thing is, she’s another person in my life who’s been in an extremely happy relationship for 4+ years and is starting to itch for her freedom, which makes me a little bitter. She doesn’t whine about it, though, so it’s okay. And I like that she confides in me, too.

Dan likes that we’ve been hanging out, too, because he gets to tag along and, of course, likes Ashley because she’s pretty. At the moment, however, the true focus of his affections is an emo girl who works with another friend of his. Idk. I kind of shake my head at it. I really really wanted things to work out with him and this girl Alyssa he had a thing for, because I liked Alyssa and knew that if they were together, I would still be able to see him. But now, I’m worried. I’m not really a huge fan of this chick (she misquotes Fight Club on her Facebook, okay?) and I don’t know how this’ll play out. And besides, what if some miracle happens and things DO work out with Jordan? I’ll be with him, maybe Dan’ll be with this chick, and then I never see him, ever. I really want to be with someone, and I really really really want him to be happy, but Dan is such a huge and important part of my life and I really care about him and I don’t want to lose that.

I don’t know what I’m doing. At this point, I’m in an okay place. Yeah, things aren’t exactly the way I want them to be, but I’ve got things under control. I like a boy, I’m just not thinking about Vince (or at least, doing much much better at not thinking about Vince), and I can handle work and school. Things are okay. And okay is better than it has been.

what my heart wants I will not allow

A month. I don't know why Green Day was wishing September away, but I feel like I really did sleep through it. Or at least, I was trying to sleep through it- Advil PMs can only take one so far. What's that Fight Club talks about? When you have insomnia, you're never really awake, and you're never really asleep. I'm nowhere near as dramatic as a Tyler Durden or even a Marla Singer, but I've felt strange. And strangely bipolar, unfortunately...

I saw Mark and Pasko, one weekend when he brought some friends home from school. We let off fireworks and drove around speaking crazily, one conversation in the front seat and one in the back seat and Mark chiming in from his seat with Gerard and a bag of crackers in the trunk. We joked about how highly unfortunate it was that Vince couldn't be there seeing as how he was bitching out to meet his girlfriend. At the end of the night, they both hugged me tightly, and I left with a fistful of sparklers and a roman candle...

We sat in Wendy's, and I ate my frosty off my fries as we talked about going to see Sweeney Todd together, almost a year ago all too soon. Mark joked that the only person who's ticket he DIDN'T pay for for Christmas was his girlfriend's. I looked at him in utter confusion until I remembered his refusal to let Vince pay for the tickets, and the joke Kristin and I make sometimes about how the best thing I got out of that relationship was my Sweeney ticket just got a lot funnier and a lot sadder...

I'm taking a Creative Writing course this semester. My story got picked for the first workshop, which was scary, but it's a relief to know it's over with. I have to keep a journal, which might explain my lack of internet venting- I have another outlet that demands attention...

Today, I read Breakfast at Tiffany's, and after dinner I collected some ice cream and popped in the movie. It's just not ending, and it saddens me. Also: I want to be a tenth as elegant and captivating as Audrey Hepburn...

Vince and I have talked occasionally, which is nice. He and Mark invited me to go with them to visit Pasko one Friday, but I couldn't go. Still, it's nice, having us just kind of coexisting peacefully... Well. Minus him and the chick being sickeningly adorable on facebook. Cause that's just icky...

True to form, I have been highly highly moody. I had an absolute existential crisis last week as I was attempting to write a paper on Romeo and Juliet. Suddenly as I sat staring at my blank computer screen, my thesis was drab and unoriginal and boring, my writing was pretentious and meaningless, and what kind of English Major am I if I can't even write an English paper and I'm going to fail my class and no wonder I'm at community college because I'm not actually smart people just foolishly believe I'm smart because I read a lot, I read TOO much, and it's all been a lie and what kind of person am I if my whole academic career has been a lie? I've kind of pulled myself out of that slump, but still...

Speaking of academics, we had to give our How-to speech in Speech 101, and I chose the topic “How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse.” It was so much fun. I was very nervous, but everyone laughed, and I think that it went over exactly as I could have hoped...

And speaking of speech class, I have a confession, a happy confession: I've got a bit of a crush on this boy. He's nice, and very cute, and he's traveled a lot, and he used the word “esoteric” in his speech, and he liked my zombie idea, and he's a history major, and he's sarcastic and funny, and and and we talked. A little. He's actually bff with this boy who's in two of my classes, and they've totally talked about me...

I lovelovelove the idea of me having a crush. I don't really have crushes on boys I'm not friends with, and lately I haven't *ahem* had crushes on boys who are not Vince, and most of my boy-energies have been spent on Dan, andandand... This is nice. Idk. I mean, it probably won't work out. Even if by some weird stroke of luck it does, I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I've never, oh, gone on a real first date, or... Anything like that. Ugh. It makes me nervous. But at the very least, talking to him and making him laugh before class is fun...

Boys reminds me, I've reached that fun time of year where I get to start going, oh, a year ago today... [insert sappy Vince-related memory here]. October 3^rd and 4^th, O Fateful Days, are coming up, and it just gets worse from there. A certain day towards the end of November is going to be horrible, and I can't think about February right now. However! Part of me is thinking, yes, I'm on the home stretch. Once I get through these last sets of anniversaries-that-aren't, then there's nothing left to think about.... Right...

Overall, I don't even know what to say. I don't know where I've been lately. I can't believe it's almost midterms already. I can't believe this year. Like, my brain doesn't believe it. Maybe I'll wake up soon.

"Before I even mention me, I should tell you some other facts:
          1. At nineteen, Bob Dylan was a seasoned performer in Greenwich village, New York.
          2. Salvador Dali had already produced several outstanding artworks of paint and rebellion by the time he was nineteen.
          3. Joan of Arc was the most wanted woman in the world at nineteen, hacing created a revolution.
Then there's me, also nineteen...
Constantly, I'm asking myself, Well, Ed- what have you really achieved in your nineteen years? The answer's simple.
          Jack shit."

-I Am The Messenger, by Markus Zusak

And hang you up from the heavens

 When the one thing you want, is the only thing out of your reach

A lot of the time, I use the phrase “There are things I can handle, and there are things I can't handle, and this...” etc, etc. It's frustrating, though, when there are more things in my life that fall into the latter category than the former. Still, it's been an interesting week.

Monday, I finally saw Dan again after two weeks, when he got back from his vacation with his family. He absolutely refuses to admit that he missed me, but I actually think he did. He's a callous bastard most of the time, but I can tell, and it's fun. Normally, we're both ridiculous and mean and teasing, and we work that way. But he was all affectionate and cuddly and we didn't pay nearly enough attention to Pulp Fiction (which, by the way, was a fantastic movie), and I left his apartment smiling.

Most of the time I'm not happy (blunt statement is blunt, but truthful), and most of the time Dan's an ass and annoys me as much as he makes me happy by his company. Every once in a while, though, he's really nice. I should go away more often.

I was a little mean to him Tuesday, though, but I'm not that sorry, and he knows it. I was over at his place for an hour or so after he got off work, and then I got a call from Mark and Pasko, Vince's friends. They said that they were painting Mark's (currently unfinished) house, and were looking for some cool people to come and help and hang out, and I made the list. I was crazy excited. I ditched Dan a little guiltily, dashed home to change, and met them as fast as I could.

All in all, it was a good night. I liked it best at first when it was just the three of us- I just adore them both. They then had me call up Kristin, who came a little later, and then Vince, who came a little after her with his latest girlfriend. Sigh. However, having to deal with that... person was made entirely worth it due to Mark and Pasko. When they first brought her up after I arrived, I stayed quiet at first cause I didn't want to talk badly about someone I had never met, and then they started talking about how much they hated her, what a bitch she was, and how much they wanted to attach a rope to her stupid nose-ring and attach her to fast-moving objects. It's stupid, it's petty, it's sad, it's pathetic, and yet hearing them talk that way gave me pure joy. Pasko meeting my eye and making hand gestures behind her back, Mark asking me if I “please wouldn't mind doing him a favor” and treating her like a bitch, the both of them mentioning a couple dozen times that I am the only Vince-girlfriend they ever approved of and liked.

On the one hand, it was so flattering and nice. Somehow, I trust them when they tell me things like that, and I trust their good opinion of me. Because I'm one of those pathetic girls whose self-esteem depends a lot on her dating life, it's the best I've felt about myself in a while.

On the other hand... Sigh. We were riding in my car, and Mark was talking about our conversation with Vince. He said how excited Vince (supposedly) sounded when he heard that I was there with them, because “If he's excited to see you, then that means he doesn't like her! And if he doesn't like her, then they're going to break up!” Kristin even admitted that Mark said he'd like Vince and I to get back together. Which is, once again, flattering. Except- and this is me being perfectly realistic here- it is never, ever going to happen. Regardless of whatever lingering feelings I've still got cobwebbing up my heart, he's so far over me that the expression “NEVER” is far too soon. And hearing them talk about it makes me feel hopeful for about half a second, and then I not only feel terrible about myself because it'll never happen, but also because I have to be a moron to even let those vestiges of hope flicker in and out of existence.

Add those feelings of.... yuck are bad enough, but then feeling that and then seeing him with her was awful. Truth be told, I was actually kind of happy she was a bitch. I would have felt bad about hating her if she was nice, or if Mark and Pasko liked her. But she was a bitch, and Mark and Pasko hate her, and even though I was channeling my inner Krista and trying to be civil, I did not feel the least bit guilty about not liking her. I miss the days back when Vince would lie about his relationship status on facebook, or when he promised that he wouldn't be bringing girls along if/when he and I happened to be hanging out. Thanks to facebook, I was prepared to see them hanging all over each other, and Mark and Pasko's presence did help, but it was still yucky. Ugh. At one point the three of us were left alone for like 10 minutes, and I felt so odd as they sat on the doorstep snuggling. I climbed up into some scaffolding and channeled my inner Inuyasha, sitting up high and being emo. Kristin got on my nerves, too. It was way too soon after our vacation for me to be seeing her. I didn't want to invite her- and she dominated the conversation ALL NIGHT. I wanted to hang out with Mark and Pasko so bad because I love Mark and Pasko- not because I wanted to hear her recount stories I have heard time and time again. Ugh.

But... It was a good night. We painted, we painted some more. (I'm still stiff.) We listened to some good music. We made fun of the girlfriend. And we took a resident golf cart on a few dozen spins. Previous to this night, I had no idea those things could move so fast. It was exhilarating- it was night, and dark, and it had just been raining, and everything was cool and fresh. We were covered in paint and laughing. Mark and Pasko drove- the backseat was frightening, but so amazing. I refused to sit back there by myself, so Pasko sat next to me, hanging on to each other's shoulders and pretending to hold shotguns because the view looked like we were on a Humvee Jurassic Park arcade video game. I warned him that if I got tossed off, he was coming with me, and he turned around to Mark and said, “Drive carefully, man, we've got all-or-nothing going on back here.” I heart those guys. One turn around, Mark tried to jump a ditch, and we ended up balancing the golf cart, somehow, on top of a bigass rock, Pasko tossing an arm around my shoulders as we got tossed off the back. I am so sore, and have a few nasty bruises, but it was so much fun.

Idk. I don't know why they cheer me up so much. It's probably because they flatter me so much, but also because I like them. They're genuine and fun and original, and it's frankly AWESOME to have some guy friends that I don't have to worry about liking me and vice versa- I feel like I do get to be me. I haven't been doing so okay lately- tolerable, but I'm normal and moody and depressing and emo. But nights like that? They don't happen often, but it's so amazing when they do.

Laid waste beyond repair

 I love being on vacation. :)

Truthfully, I've been and probably will continue to be apprehensive about being on vacation with Kristin and her family. Large quantities of time with Kristin make my head ache, much as I love her. We just have different interests- I'd rather read a book, she'd rather read (aloud -_-) fanfiction. I'd rather curl up with a movie, she'd rather channel-surf for a couple hours. Little things that just get exhausting, and I do get tired of hearing about Steve.

Getting away is splendid, though. We got to soak for awhile in the hot tub, and hit up the bookstore, and eat some good food. I had a pretty terrible cold or something the first couple days, but it's lovely now.

(Oh, and I'll also admit that I miss my Dan. Maybe it's hearing Kristin talk about her boyfriend so much, or seeing her brother and his wife interact and just be too cute, but I want someone to curl up with. Dan doesn't quite fill the “boy” void, but at least he's something. Sigh.)

♥♥♥♥♥

The time before I left was interesting as well. I spent an hour the other night talking with Vince's friend Pasko about our Endless (from Neil Gaiman's Sandman) cosplay for next year. A few days later, literally minutes before I was leaving for Kristin's, I got a facebook message from Vince. He began by saying that it had been a long time since we had talked just the two of us, and that he was wondering if I would be interested in hanging out with himself, Pasko, and Mark.

My jaw dropped. I was nearly late for Kristin's because I spent twenty minutes or so beginning to type a response and then deleting it nervously. Because I was leaving, I told him to text me, so we ended up talking for the next hour or two. Apparently, Pasko mentioned me and that we had talked the last time the three of them had a “man night”, and it was decided that I was one of the few women they knew, if not the only, who was epic enough to be invited to Man Night. I feel.... well, flattered, mostly. Dan thinks I'm foolish for even considering going, even IF it works out for me to go. Mark had mentioned how out entire group should come, but I thought I would be the last person asked to come, especially just by myself. I'm... incredulous. And I keep thinking about it. Ugh. It better work out now, lol, as happy as I am about it. Back in January, the first time I hung out with Mark and Pasko (when we watched Fight Club at Mark's house), Pasko later told Vince that we needed to have another movie night, same crew. It never happened due to deplorable timing, and I've felt gypped ever since because I would have loved to see Mark and Pasko. Now I might get to! Ahh!

Sigh. Of course, it would be foolish to say that I'm only excited to see Mark and Pasko. I know that, though most of the time I am/am happy to be perfectly in denial. It goes back to what I was talking about after Otakon. I miss Vince so much, and the idea of not just seeing him with my friends, but getting invited along with him and his friends, thrills me to the core. However, I feel like I'm doing okay. I even try to think about the fact that he has a girlfriend, that he might mention her, etc. I'm a little over her. I mean, he was mine first, if not last, and none of the girls he's dating since have been prettier than me, or around longer than me. When that day comes, perhaps I'll be more upset, but this I can cope with. I honestly do really want to be friends.

Okay. Enough. I've been striving to mention him less lately IRL, which is possibly why it comes out more here, when I do talk here. I know I think about him too much, but I have forced myself to realize that I still do talk about him too much. So I've been biting my tongue. A half-dozen times this week I've felt inspired to mention him- a story involving him or when I was with him, etc. I'm doing a little better. See? I didn't quite hit my deadline, nor is my internal state of mind anything to brag about, but at least externally I'm managing, which is an improvement.

♥♥♥♥♥

Lately, inspired perhaps by my talks with Pasko about our cosplay for next year's Otakon, I've been reading a lot of Gaiman. I just finished his book of short stories “Fragile Things”, and I'm currently midway through “American Gods”, which I read long enough ago that I barely remembered them. I do rather need to get my hands on a set of The Sandman, though, as it's been ages. Pasko and I were talking about how he should be Dream, and he asked, “So, have you given any thought to yourself yet? Say it with me: DELIRIUM.”

I blushed, embarassed, saying that I had indeed thought Delirium. (I had also considered Desire, but Vince apparently wants to be Desire, and he would make a much, much finer Desire than I even would, hahahaha.) I had intended to gracefully bow out if we found a better Delirium, though, and asked if he thought I could pull it off.

“I think you could absolutely pull it off! I've been thinking it from the beginning!” he replied, which amused me. However, he then asked how attached I was to my hair (VERY), so we then discussed logistics. Hehe. I had such fun. Ashley is already excited to be Death, and I cannot wait for next July already. It will be great. Plus, cosplaying together will give me the excuse I desire to hang around with the boys all weekend. Winnah!

♥♥♥♥♥

My “project” I brought with me for this week was the book I Am the Messenger, by Markus Zusak, and my screenwriting software. I fully intend to turn that book into a movie. I've never felt much drawn to film before, but oh, that book. I got excited. And I just finished House of Leaves, as well. Oh my goodness. THAT would be an amazing movie, and that's project number 2 for a later date. It would be splendid.

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Kristin is my usual source for my musical soundtracks, and she literally just burned me copies of a few I've been waiting for for a while. Among these is what I'm listening to right now- the Jane Eyre OBC. Oh my goodness. I want to see this play so bad. I wish it was still playing somewhere. It's so amazing. Aaaahhhhhhhh.

and hear that breaking sound

I have come up with my metaphor.

Being in love is like a flame. (I didn't say I came up with all of this on my own.) It warms everything and lights everything and when you're holding it in your hands everything is bright and cozy and wonderful.

When you lose it, everything's cold and dark. Maybe it was all cold and dark before, but when that flame is blown out you're thrust into that dark and you want to be out of it so bad. It presses in on every side. Sometimes the dark it okay or welcome. Dark isn't always a bad thing. But constant darkness is intolerable.

I've seen him a couple times lately, and it's like being near that flame again. I'm not actually holding that flame, nor am I especially close to it, but I can see a little circle of light, and I can feel a little bit of it's warmth. It's not mine, which is sad, but at least I can steal a little bit of the light. However, it's like when you're outside in the snow and you come inside and your cold-numbed fingers start to ache because of the warmth. The warmth is a good thing and something you want, but you've been so used to that cold that even getting slightly less cold causes such excruciating pain, and because nothing's actually "wrong" all you can do-

is grin and bear it.

Another chance to get it just like that

Several times this past weekend, I was finding myself comparing this year's Otakon with last year's Otakon. All in all, I have to say it was better. Everyone meshed a little bit better, everyone was comfortable, there was no weekend-destroying drama, and all in all, everything ran smoothly. I saw some Dr. Horrible cosplayers, including one very hot chick, a couple of Doctor Who cosplayers, including one awesome chick who let me hold her psychic paper in the photo, and a Westley, and a Harley Quinn, and all sorts of lovely things. I bought myself some Dr. Horrible chibi prints, which make me smile, and a claddagh ring,which makes me smile a little less when I see it turned outwards. I spent so much time laughing and giggling with my friends. I had fun. And on the way home, I finally got my long-desired snowcone, which Staci deemed we should turn into a traditional stop.

Of course, though, all these optomistic highlights are simply leading up to the over-thought, confusedly-written “but” that inevitably comes.