A reader. A writer. One who babbles a bit much.
Only a very, very select few (and very personal) entries are locked.
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Je suis tres pathetique.
Right now, I encompass every emotion one could possibly think of. Most of them aren't pleasant. I'm nervous and stressed and lonely and guilty and angry and sad and tired and melancholy and annoyed and apathetic and confused and cranky and... everything.
For everything that matters breaks in two
SUMMER HAS BEGUN.
I had my last class/final last Wednesday- and it was my last theatre class, too. I will never, ever have to go to theatre class again: never ever again have to go and sit there a row away from him for three hours, looking at him, trying to desperately tear my eyes away and pretend that I don't care that he's completely and utterly ignoring me. And not even ignoring me because he wants to ignore me or feels like he should ignore me, but because he honestly couldn't care less about me, and has so much forgotten about me that it just doesn't even occur to him to acknowledge my existence.
Ahem. My point being, through all that emo, that it never has to happen again! I doubt we'll end up in any of the same classes in the fall. That would be TOO awful.
In a measure to bring summer in correctly, Serena and I had a picnic, upon which Kristin joined us, and then the three of us had a little campfire back at our house.
Serena had been acting odd all day, although I didn't think twice about it. I knew that she and Dan had hung out the day before, and I was a little miffed. I don't understand it! I don't care who else he hangs out with or talks to, but as soon as it's HER, I just get.... Meh. Plus, I knew that he was beginning to like her, and I knew just as much that she did not like him at ALL. I know how she is, in flirting and needing attention and just being HER, so I wanted her to stay away from him for his sake. I was concerned.
Because of this, I did not press when she got very very quiet as the night progressed. Because Kristin had been a last-minute impromptu addition to our party, I thought that maybe Serena was mad that Kristin had been added, too, so I didn't worry. However... If only this was the case.
Late late late at night, once the fire had burnt down to mostly embers, Serena tearfully confessed that a Something had occurred between her and Dan the night before. Something.... major. I started to feel ill as she told us. I can't even describe the feeling that swept over me- I've felt anger, I've felt jealously, I've felt disgust, and yet what I felt then was all of those and none of those at the same time. Once that haze cleared away, I confusedly thought that this could be a good thing for Dan until I realized that, obviously, Serena wasn't sobbing because she liked him back- she was crying because she doesn't like him, at all, barely even knows him as a friend, doesn't know why it happened, she was just lonely. And it's such a HER thing to do, which is why I was worried something like this would happen!!! Augh.
I was fairly mad at Dan, and I ignored his texts until the next day, when he pleaded for me to please talk to him, because he needed me. Brrgmrkgings. Stupid boys and their stupid sincere moments. So, he and I hung out. And I learned that he hadn't initiated anything- that she had LITERALLY jumped him out of nowhere. Bleh. Idk how much more I can go into it. It's a little complicated. My friends are all stupid.
And even though I hatehatehate the sound of hurt in Dan's voice as he asked me quietly why no one loves him, and the look on his face as he shrugged and told me that he knew (in retrospect, anyway) she hadn't done it because she actually cared about him, but just because she had a whim and he was available; I thik he'll get over it. God, I hope he does. I don't want him to hurt at all anymore.
But he and I are okay. We're the way we were. Serena, who's the only one who knew about Dan and I's.... liasons, thought that I was going to be upset and hurt. I mean, I am, but not for MY sake. I don't have anything to do with their.... them..... in and of myself. I was just hurt that she would be so careless as to do that to him. Ack. Because she DOES things like this. Dan and I have talked about it since then, too.
I can't think about it. I don't know how I feel. But I'm kind of taking it one day at a time. But on Wednesday, when he and I spent time together, I just kind of moved beyond it. We talked, be talked more, we spent some time just being close, and now we're okay. Okay.
At first, after this happened, I was nervous for summer. Kristin remarked right in front of Rena without thinking that “Well, summer should start with a bang!!” and then slowly realized why I looked horrified, lololol. However, think about it! Kristin and I are stronger than ever- we know what we can and cannot handle- and really, last summer, all that shit happened to me!!! To us. And not only could I handle it, and I'm functioning now if not entirely “happy” or happy as I have been in the past, I moved on! I know now that I can make mistakes, I can live through them, and I can learn from them. Plus, it is totally someone else's turn to have drama!!! This time, it's my turn to sit on the sides and observe a bit!!!
even when you're breaking my heart
Cough.
It's been hectic lately. Things aren't really getting easier. School is stressful, boys are stressful, work is stressful, trying to keep my social life at a balance is stressful. I'm never seeing everybody enough, though my people are finally home for the summer, huzzah. The only reason I have time to do this now is because I got attacked with a hellish sickness that completely wiped me out for the entire weekend. I mean, I even called off work! Two days in a row! I NEVER call off work. Sigh.
I am so ready for summer to be here. I cannot even describe. Last week, we had some of our first late night chilling, with me, Kristin, Serena, and Dan at Serena's house. It felt like summer. It should have been summer. I'm curious to see what this summer will bring. Last summer was so interesting... I wonder if this summer will be as well?
I'm worried. Drama is aligning, and I don't know where it's going to go- if it's going to diffuse itself or just burst in our faces. I think I can stay out of it... mostly.... this time, but I won't know til it's too late.
Vince is still constantly on my mind. I miss him. (As pathetic as that is to admit, it's true.) It really makes me mad at myself, too. I'm giving myself until we've been apart for 4 months, which is as long as we were together, before I undertake some drastic measures. (I don't know what those measures are, but they'll be something!) One more month. I can do this. Today it was worse than it's been in a little while, and I don't know why. Probably because I was lying sick and miserable in bed, with nothing to do but think- and the last time I was in bed in the daytime, feeling bad and ill and just staring at the ceiling, thinking too much, would have been right after he dumped me. So, it was bringing everything back. However, I only have 2 more theatre classes left, and then who knows- I might never see him again. And as good as I think that that might be for me and for getting over him, I don't want to never see him again, aaaaah. And I don't want to think that way! But I miss him. The thought of never being with him again is bad enough- never talking with him- never getting to touch him again- and the thought of never even getting to see his face once a week is nearly unbearable. Rawr.
Serena and Dan worry me. True to his form, Dan is slowly falling. And it makes me so mad- the jealousy is a separate issue- because I know it's going to end badly. She would never, ever go for him- he's too short and not nearly exotic enough to capture her interest in the short term, let alone in a fashion longstanding enough to make him rise above the pack among the rest of her little admirers. He is GOING to get hurt by her. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if fixing it is possible!
And okay, I admit it, I'm a little jealous. Ever since Dan originally fell for me, even when/if he was after another girl, I never knew about it. He was still my friend. He was mine. Which, I will also admit, is really really selfish of me, considering that I turned him down. Um, a couple times. But that's the way I liked it! I like having him around! And more than that, I liked being the one that he was after, the one that he wanted. I wish he still wanted me.
Then, of course, I have to ask myself- do I want Dan to want me, which leads to further questions about why I want him to want me specifically or whatever; or, do I just want someone to want me. I know that the latter is true. I miss being wanted. I miss being someone's someone. Hell, I miss that little box on facebook that says that so-and-so (read: Vince) is in a relationship with me. I liked not being single. I don't work well single. Argrgle.
I can do this. I just need a few more weeks. Then it's summer. Then I'll deal with it one thing at a time.
It was just what I needed. I felt so free- though that word can't even fully encompass the entire scope of feelings I had. I remember one particular crystallizing second- there's this ridiculous song called “Mood Rings”, by Relient K, a jocular tune about how emotional girls are. One line goes something like,
She said to me she was so stressed out, it's soothing.
I was at the point- sleep deprived, lonely, cold- where I was so sad, that I was happy. I was just myself, alone. No one wanted any answers from me, explanations. No one, not even myself, wanted me to try and explain my stupid, complicated feelings; my stupid, complicated thought processes. I've had an impossible time even freeing myself from my own thoughts lately. And it hurts.
Being over the water was the best. I slowed to a crawl, maybe 5 miles an hour. Who cares, no one else was out? Lights from the power grids lit up the mist, but very gently, so everything had this golden glow that faded into the regular, normal glow of a night sky.
Eventually, I did turn around, but only once I hit another fork in the road. I admit, for all my bravado and adventuring spirit, it was worried that if I started taking unfamiliar turns, in the dark, in the fog, in places I had never been, I'd never find my way back. I haven't slept so well in a month and a half.
I believe in true love.
This question rather struck me off guard- I've never actually had to sit down and come up with a definitive "yes or no" answer. Come to think of it, I hate black and white answers to begin with.
Love definitely exists. True love definitely exists. Something that's been so revered throughout the millenia in every art form imaginable has to have some seed in actual reality. I'm sure everyone knows, at the very least, that one stupidly obnoxious couple that are completely and utterly taken with one another. My parents are proof- married when my dad was nineteen, and four kids, twenty years, and too little money later, they're still in love- in that quiet way that comes with time and practice.
I'm always wary of calling something "love". In some ways, maybe you can't truly know whether or not you had was love until it's over, until you're outside the situation and can look in. When I was with Vince, I thought we were in love. And now that I know that he doesn't- maybe never- loved me, I still believe that I'm in love with him. Granted, maybe it's just because he was my "first love". Perhaps one day, after I've fallen for the next boy or the next, I'll be able to look back on it more honestly and say, "no, that wasn't love, I just didn't know any better". Oh, I'll be able to say, "yes, he was my first love" with a bit more perspective. I won't know that for a while.
On the other hand, maybe the real measure of true love is that it doesn't end. The relationships, the people, that stick through the good times and the bad. Maybe, if what I feel for him really is love, I'll never be able to look back on him "unbiased", because at least a small part of my will always love him.
Thinking about it, one could have many "true loves" in their lifetime. I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Five years from now, I'll probably be very different. Wouldn't it be fair to say that as you change, you love would have to change with you? And if the person you're with can't accomodate that change, then a new love might be necessary.
There's a song by Relient K: Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?
I know I'll always love you, but right now I just don't like you.
Love and like really have very little to with each other. Like may precipitate love. But it depends on the kind of love. I love my brother. I very rarely like him. On a less platonic level, I'm still in love with Vince. And even though I used to like him very much, and I still do on many levels, I also kind of think he's an asshole. One doesn't affect the other.
However, I digress. Love at first sight is more difficult- I don't think it exists. I believe that it's possible to have sudden feelings for someone- to just have one glance and know that what you feel for them is going to be something magnificent, something different, or even to just feel that initial infatuation. That makes sense. Even having a premonition of love makes sense. But love? True love? I don't think that can happen til you know that person. (Even if they don't know you as well, or aren't falling for you back.) Love has to do with knowing a person- inside and out. There can be exceptions- and a lot of that isn't so much knowing as wanting to know; in learning just a little bit about your lover and yearning to learn more, not because they're (objectively) sooo interesting, but because you just love them so much that you need to know about them.
That alone isn't the only quality of love, though. Or at least not a healthy love. Otherwise, every single stalker or obsessed fan would be "in love", and that's not the case. Love is so much more: and yet it's so different for every person. I don't think it can be defined in something black or white. Then again, it is kind of like that. I'm not a science person- which one is the inclusion of all colour? I believe it's white. I think that love is like that.
But right now I just don't like you.
♥ I can honestly say that this was the best Valentine's day I've ever had. Serena and I went to the poetry reading together, and it was really quiet. However, we got to chill with Abi and Julia, and I read Alfred Noyes' "The Highwayman", which I LOVE. Then we, and Rena's friend Sarah, went out to eat, and then we + Kristin spent the night at Serena's. It was really nice. Kristin kind of talked a lot, as is her wont, but I was kind of wanting her to ask more about me, and she didn't. Aw, well. It was still good.
♥ Especially good was our run to get some snack foods in the middle of the night. And um, if some of those food items ended up on some completely and totally random Jeep, then I'm sure WE had nothing to do with it at all..... :D
♥ Also, lately I've been talking to Dan lots and lots. Which is nice. I missed him, and weirdly enough, he helps fill the void. I mean, it's nice to just have someone THERE- someone to text to say goodnight, someone who'll randomly buzz me to comment on whatever tv show he's watching and wants to tell me about. He's a sweetie.
♥ I will admit. I miss him. A lot. And I'm kind of in denial about the fact that he will never, ever want me back. And there.
♥ Actually, I did find out some things over the weekend. Kristin told me, from Ryan, from Vince's ex and Ryan's friend Krista, that the girl that he dumped me for has been literally trying to steal him away since Vince and I started dating, and has been bragging about it all over their school that she's the reason that he and I broke up. And I never even met the little plint! However, silver lining? I messaged Krista, to thank her for sending that info through the grapevine, and she sent me back this eeeeepic long message about how sorry she was, how mad she was at this girl, how stupid and slutty and generally awful of a person this girl was, how mad she was that I got hurt, etc. And Krista is seriously one of the SWEETEST people I know, so for her to say that.... Well, it really hurt to hear that this girl was maliciously trying to- and WON at- sabotauging me, but it was a good message to get.
♥ Yesterday afternoon, I went over to Serena's, and stayed to the wee hours. We baked (or rather, underbaked) brownies, and drank sooooooo much tea, and then I helped her decorate her room! (I swear, that girl cannot hang a picture straight to save her life.) Once I get some good quotes picked out, I'm going to paint them on her walls, too. It made my day so much better. And as much as I feel bad for dumping so much shit on her, she IS the only person I talk to Vince about. And it's nice to say how I'm really thinking or feeling.
Cause after all of the sparks, you're left alone in the dark
After all of the sparks, you're still alone in the dark
I get the feeling that I turn here to vent a lot. If I need to rave about how good my day is, put into order weeks of ennui, rant about whatever is most recently going wrong in my life. I feel bad for that. I like to keep control of how I come across to people. And people who see me every day/every couple days or so realize that I'm cheerful sometimes, emo others. They get a balance. Sometimes, if I don't realize it, I can't control that.
Lately, it's been hard. I have to resist online stalking, putting up depressed/depressive facebook status, the works. And it hurts. I had my 3-hour theatre class with Vince last week, and it was hard. He ignored me... even when we walked out to my car together so I could give him clothing back. I had to pull over on the way home because I was crying too hard. I watched him drive by. I didn't mention, but my one friend at school had an amazing reaction tuesday. And today, because I don't myspace, he helped me look Vince up. It was awful, but I'd rather feel awful because I know, than because I wonder. He already has another girl... She was the "friend" he was hanging out with last week when we were still together, and even though last week he told me he was going to have to work on Valentine's Day, sorry, she and him have plans to go out. For all I know, he's with her now. That just hurts so bad.
I'm... trying to find ways to cope. I sing obnoxious kiss-off songs. I alternate between distracting myself so I can't think about it, and obsessively thinking about them together. I don't even know her, other than seeing her pic on myspace. Now, I can only wish that he hurts as bad as I do. And I know that's bitter, but I don't care. He deserves it. And I can't even put that into words. I would fill volumes. And right now I'm watching an episode of NCIS where Abby just got dumped, and even SHE'S depressed. Abby! If SHE is, I have a right to be. A little. Don't I?
So. In an effort to pull my self the bloody fuck out of this, I want to make a list. A Valentine's list. Of things I love. I have a feeling that I did this recently, but these are things that make my days livable.
-When I wake up before my alarm, and I get to go back to sleep for a little while.
-Hot showers with the familiar, comforting scent of my shampoo.
-My iPod's shuffle, because it knows my mood. (Shush. I'm convinced of it.)
-Compliments from strangers. A random guy in my theatre class told me that I had "gorgeous" hair, and it was"lovely".
-Getting to do homework related to Sweeney Todd.
-Talking with guys with cute smiles.
-Getting text from Dan and talking with him for the first time in months.
-Hearing from Staci or Andy in general, and when they invite me to stuff. (Even if I won't go cause I hate Ian's face.)
-David Tennant.
-How all my friends send me "empowering" post-breakup bumper stickers on facebook.
-Writing angsty, bitter poetry.
-Having a hotter date for Valentine's than my ex does.
-Finding amazing parking spaces at school.
-Drinking apple juice at school.
-Sleeping under a quilt that holds good memories from my relationship.
-THE NEW EPISODE OF THE OFFICE THAT BE O
-When my hair curls on its own.
It's weird. As I write this, my brian keeps reverting to try and make a list of "things I miss". And there are a lot of those. But I don't want to be thinking about those. Aaaaah.
(He was never mine to hold)
"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, and rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo, Les Miserables
Since this isn't totally cliche and non of you have heard this before... love hurts.
Every once in a while, I manage to have an epiphiphanous moment. A moment where something clicks, and I go, "oh, I get this." About me, about people I know, about the world in general... it depends. Most of the time, it's a great moment. Because even if the revalation in and of itself isn't something wonderful, just having that cathartic moment of clarity feels so refreshing. I mean, most of the time I stumble through my life, without any particular aim.
Not to say that I don't have plans, goals, etc. But once I get to the situation in which I would actually want/need to use or consider such things, that's all completely defenestrated.
Other times, it's not so great. It's the worst when things are bad to begin with, and then I have that moment, and it's so refresing because I can finally go, "oh, I see", and yet that particular revelation doesn't make things any better. It just sort of crystalizes the situation- filters it and breaks it and puts it back together, in a sharper and more pointed fashion.
Is pain better when you can explain it? I think that's it helps, it's better, it's healthier, but it doesn't lessen the pain. It focuses it- instead of a blanket of fog that just kind of smooths over everything, it's the little black rain cloud that hovers over one spot, drizzling and thunderstorming by turns.
I don't know why I'm writing this. And I don't know where I'm going. This just kind of happened.
Sometimes I wish she was you
I'm feeling sick.
I think that I might win some records for a pretty epicly awful weekend.
Ever.
And today didn't improve upon the theme, haha.
You know what the ironic thing is?
I wrote a poem on saturday night.
(Purely hypothetical, of course.)
About a girl explaining to her boyfriend why she kissed someone else.
Now?
I can't get things, me, to feel better.
Shit.
What's wrong with me?
I know that things could be so much worse.
This isn't that bad.
And yet...
There's a climax coming in my way, ay ay ay...
I'll admit it- in fact, if anything, I'm a bit too ready to admit it.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. Among other things, I hatehatehate my English Comp class, my weeknights have been kind of lonesome, and oh, yeah. I lost my job yesterday.
To be honest, I was lucky to have it as long as I did in this shitty economy, but it got to the point where my company just couldn't afford to keep on part-timers anymore. My boss cried when she told me, and she's hoping to be able to bring me back soon, but I can't count on it. And it's really beginning, slowly, to stress me out. I was hoping to save up some money in the next six months, and be able to pay for my next semester at school, but that might not be able to happen. Let alone gas money, or food, or insurance, or my cell phone... Ugh.
Enough of that, though. I haven't been seeing much of, well, anybody lately- people are away at school, of course, and Vince has been rather busy- but there were a few good nights. Two thursdays ago was amazing!! I got to go to Vince's youngest brother's 8th birthday party- which was at Chuck E Cheese's, bitches. I had soooo much, fun, though I was abruptly reminded for the first time in, oh, ten years as to how much large, animatronic rodents terrify me!!!! Like, I didn't realize until we had been there for twenty minutes that I was unconciously keeping him in between me, and..... them. (Hah. I talk like they're the Others or something.) Regardless, we played games, and ate pizza, and it was great.
Oh, and what made it even better? We made it back to his house in pleeeeenty of time for The Office. I would never have thought that I would end up with a guy who doesn't watch The Office, but since he went out of his way to make sure I could see it, and then watched it with me, I can make an exception. (And I swear to God, as soon as I get my hands on the season DVDS, there WILL be marathon-ing going on!!!)
It was an idyllic day. The best in a while.
Other days... have been lonlier. I don't like staying at home in the evenings. However, I didn't stay home last night! Andy picked up Rena and I, and we spent the night with Staci at West Chester!! It was so much fun. We didn't do a whole lot, but we pushed the beds together and had us a nice, comfy slumber party. Bonus: I got to sleep tween Andy and Serena, so I was nice and warm, haha, though Staci did grope me a bit in the middle of the night. O_o
So, that's been me lately. Not very interesting.... and I guess you can expect to hear more from me now that I'm unemployed, le sigh. Ah, what a weary world.
(Damn, I am waaaaay too young to be saying shit like that.)